My State of Mind

This song by Jordan sparks is my mind set.

You said that I wasn’t pretty so I just believed you
and, you said that I wasn’t special.
So I lived that way with critical gazes, and brutal amazement at how my reflection could be so imperfect.
With all of my blemishes how could somebody want me?
But God love ugly,
he doesn’t see the way I see.
Oh, God takes ugly and turns it in to something that is beautiful.
Apparently I am beautiful cause you love me.
I try to clean up the outside
all shiny and new,
worked over tired
to pin up and look right.
But inside I knew that deep in the bottom
were secrets I thought I could try to ignore.
Old ghost in my corridors never get tired
of haunting the past that in me.
But god love ugly,
He doesn’t see the way I see.
Oh god takes ugly and turns it in to something that is beautiful.
Apparently I am beautiful cause you love me.
Help me believe,
why you love me
I know you see you see everything
help me believe
why you love me
when I know you see
inside and you still say im beautiful
you telling me im beautiful
your screaming out so beautiful
im finding im beautiful
you making me so beautiful
and I can see im beautiful cause you love me

The Brain vs. Decisions

* I wrote this like month ago but Im behind on bloging..

You know when you little and you have a problem with someone pushing you around or bullying you and you go to your parents and they tell you to just ignore them. It makes you start to wonder if as we grow older this why we let people walk all over us. Why we just ignore a problem hoping it will go away instead of facing it head on and dealing it with it. Did our parents unintentionally train us to be passive aggressive procrastinator, or are we as the older generation suggest.
There is a scientific study that says the brain doesn’t fully developed until in the early twenties. The normal age of complete development is at the age of 21 but no later then the age of 23. Now if your brain isn’t fully developed does that make it impossible for you to make decisions of a rational and logical nature? Studies show that the last part of the brain to develop is that of rational decision making. Does this mean it’s impossible to make a rational decision before this development? The truth is science doesn’t know because even though they have an idea of how and where thought happens in the brain there is no central location. What they have discover it that the thought process is something that happens in both sides of the brain and they communicate back and forth to each other like wire and cables. So how do they know the rational dession making process part of the brain is the last to develop its what they like to call an educated guess of a logical assumption. There is no proof just a guess from some really smart men, have a group of really smart men be wrong before yes have they been right before yes. So I guess it all come down to is what my grandfather calls believing in WAG’s (Wild Ass Guess) believe it or not. I can see as an older person who thinks they have more experience may want to believe in such a thing. I however believe it can be proven either way. I think that each person is uniquely different and in that can have very different outcomes in any situation. Do I think teenager have a hard time making right decisions yes, I however think its all in them finding there independence separate form there parents or guardians. I think that we all act and react according to the thing that happen to and around us. Its Freud fight or flight. Some of us run form our problem some of us fight them. Now back to my original question did our parents unintentionally turn us into passive aggressive procrastinator, Well I’m not sure if they or did or the didn’t but I do know that either was we choose to be who we are by our action and by the times we choose not to act. So in the end can we really blame anyone for our own choices?

My Christmas Tree

I was sad due to the fact an old friend who hurt me is coming home and I'm not sure how to take it oh and my sis overdosed agian on nov1 and had to go to the mental hospital yet again so i put up my christmas tree because seeing the lights in the dark was the only thing I could think of that would make me happy.

Gaila

I Did this Chariy Gaila where i was a fortys maid it was alot of fun heres a pic.

Selling my Mothers House

So recently my mom decided to buy a house and re finish it. So she finished and now I am selling it for her. If you would like to check it out you can at...
www.605westsilver.blogspot.com
All picture and video page design we done by me the margeting manger. Bonus is I will make a thousand dollars if it sales

Tea

So not this weekend but last weekend I went to a tea with Kathleen. The Theme was hats so I pulled out my vintage 1930's hat which I got when I was 16. Dressed the era and went to this church and went to a tea. Kathleen dressed 1800's and wore a hat she made. It was a ton of fun there was tarts and crumpits and choclate covered creme puffs and we had fancy china its was so cool. While we ate we were presented art all done by local artist. Coolest part about the tea is all proceeds go to the seventh day advantage quilting club and they make quilt that are sent to third world countrys. Its kinda like our humanitarian aid program in the lds church.

*sorry no pic yet still waiting for the e-mail but wanted to share. When I do get pic I will post them Of me and Kathleen in our getup and of my favorite local art which is horses and deer hand painted on feathers

The Pain of Repentance

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”
-Kenji Mijazawa

What is the hardest part of repentance? I think it’s the pain. See when we sin we become numb to guilt and immune to the lines of right and wrong. So as we start to repent we in essence slowly melt back into the pain. As we melt the pain seems to be ten times worse because we are feeling the guilt for the first time. See if guilt slowly builds you are eased into the pain, but if it hits you all at once it’s like jumping into an icy lake. The smack of the water is the initial feeling and the stabbing pain all over you body is the throbbing after effect. I know I make repentance sound hard that is because it is and it needs to be so we know the severity of our sins. What we need to remember is “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” (That is a profound and wise statement Lance Armstrong once made.)

Life is short and we have to ask ourselves before we give up why it is we held on for so long in the first place. The answer to this question is the answer to the ultimate question you should ask before doing anything….is it worth it? Is sacrificing your time and giving your life to God worth eternal salvation? Is a little fun worth sacrificing your salvation? This life is a test, and the truth is pain is part of life. To reject that is to reject life itself, and to reject life is to reject God. Pain is regretful but suffering is optional, we can take it and turn our healed pain into wisdom or we can linger in it never allowing it to heal.

Repentance brings pain but that is how we learn and it’s the only true way to find your way back to the ultimate goal…lets not call it a goal lets call it a gift. So to have the ultimate gift you have earn it and sometime that is through pain.

Five Things..........

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Five things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. I was on my seventh soccer team The Crazy Legs
2. I was dating Jared Crane and Jared Smith was my Best Friend (them having the same name made things much easier)
3. I went to my first church Dance
4. I went to my first highschool party
5. My best church friend Missy Smith moved to New Hampshire
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Five things to do on my list today:
1. Laundry
2. Dishes
3. Budget
4. Watch Confrence
5. Read Scripture/ morning and evening prayer
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Five snacks I enjoy:
1. Ruffles chips with onion dip
2. Peanut butter M & M
3. BBQ Chicken Wings With Ranch
4. Popcorn
5. Sun Flower Seeds
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Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:
1. Pay off my debt
2. Go to a third world country and due vulonteer work, Most likely start a non profit orginazation to contue help long in to the future.
3. Donate some to the welfare system in the church
4. Buy my friends gifts they would appriciate and would mean something to them not matter the cost high or low. (example a back and white pic booth for camille and a supply of film and developer)
5. I would also shop I love to shop.
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Five Jobs I've had:
1. Nanny
2. Title Clerk
3. Retail Manger
4. Desk Clerk/ House Keeper
5. HIM Medical Clerk
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Tag: Camille your it!

Where is my heart?

3 Nephi 13: 19-21
Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and thieves break through and steal;
But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break though nor steal.
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Where is my heart?
The first thing that came to my mind when I asked my self this question is what gives me peace. The first things that came to me were the sound of the ocean or quite view of a mountain range and then I hit the one true thing that gives me peace; the temple. My favorite temple is the temple depicted in the picture above the Logan temple. I like this temple for a number reasons most of which are to sacred to share, but one of the reason I can share is that it’s not white. The all the lord’s temples save this one is white, symbolizing it purity.
My favorite definition of pure is Untainted with evil, Innocent. I can guarantee there is not one person on this earth aside from Christ who is untainted with evil and innocent, all of us no matter how hard we try have sinned and given into the enticing of Satan some more than other but the point being none of us are truly pure. The only way to become pure is trough the atonement of Christ, through repentance now not one of us will only need to repent once as it is we are human we error and will have to continually re-purify ourselves if you will.
So if we all are unperfected then how do we define what makes a person pure. I think the best way is to look to there hearts. Where does the heart lie, people with good heart tend to be defined as being loving, giving, acting with good intent. Now can you be all those things and make bad choice, yes you can. A man is often judge by his actions not his heart. In the scriptures it say in Samuel 16:7….Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature…..for the Lord seeth not as a man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the lord looketh on the heart.
Now this scripture refers to a mans outward appearance not his action but the only one who can judge a man is Christ we are to look to there heart and love them for there hearts not judge them for there actions. If we can do this our heart will be better for it. So back to my original question where is my heart, I don’t think it’s exactly where its supposed to be but I think to be in that perfect place will only come through Christ and though its not quite there yet I’m headed in the right direction.

Seven Wonders of the World

In an e-mail I recently got with a video of a teacher asking her class what they thought the Seven Wonders of the World were. Most the student listed things such as: the Pryminds, The Empire State Building, The Great Wall of China, one girl however listed things such as: to see and to hear. The message of the video was that we take the small miracles in life for granite.

It made me think of what the seven wonders of the world are to me.

To Smile
To Learn
To Laugh
To Hug
To Imagine
To Hope
To Love

What are the Seven Wonders of the World to you?

Quirks

The Rules:Link the Person who Tagged you.
Mention rules on your blog:
Tell about 6 quirks of yours
Tag 6 fellow bloggers to do the same
-Leave a comment to let them know.

Six Quirks of mine:

1) I like to argue even if I agee with a persons opinion, Its something about seeing things from all angles, I think it due to the fact I think there is good and bad in every person, choice/opinion, and situation.

2) When Im really tired I get the giggles like a little girl and cant stop.

3) I change my hair the most when I feel like I need a change or when Im at a cross road.

4) Im Flakey not in a bad way, in a I need to try and do new things all the time to keep my attention. Not in a ADHD way either just in a Pochantas go where the wind takes you kind of way.

5) I ask question insevly, I like to learn and the best way to learn is by asking question. I like to call it being inquisitive.

6) Im overly blunt, I tell it like it is. This of course is from my perspective because there are three sides to everything: my side, your side, and what really happened. Pespective is unique to each indivdual.

* I Tag Camille/Meal/Mena because, well.. shes my only friend on this blog thing besides Camilla who sent it to me. Thanks by the way It was fun. I have alot of quirks it was hard to pick just 6. Luv both your guts!

Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein was one of the greatest minds this world has ever seen. When contemplating this thought I decided to see what I could learn from this great mind. Through his life Einstein spoke his mind not bothering with politics or the opinions of others. I think a majority of the time I am like him in this aspect. In my research of him I came across a few quotes he made that really struck me.
The first is “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." This quote is to the point so many people live there life in fear never daring to try anything new. Granted the fear can be justified but how do you ever learn without taking a chance and without mistakes and learning you never grow and growing and learning is a huge part of the life we are here to live.
The second quote I came across is “Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.” This quote is can be interpreted in a few way but I believe it was Einstein’s intention to point out how we conform to the society/politics of the world and by the age of eighteen we think anything outside the box is wrong or we shut it out. It his way of saying we are a slave to the worlds point of view. Which is such an in-depth perception so many people will never get to the point were they truly grasp it.
The next quote is wise and one that we never seem to think of when we need it most "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." There no word necessary to explain the lesson in this quote.
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.” Now this quote I like because Einstein a scientist knew with all his brilliance that there was a higher power and he has a grasp on the understanding of God who few ever acquire.

This last quote is one that was written on a sign in Einstein’s office.
“Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts” I love his perspective to know what really matter and forget the rest. You can’t always count the things that are the greatest gifts and the things you can count don’t really matter as much as the world makes them seem to.

The great mind of Albert Einstein can help us see what truly matters in life. It’s not the politics or the possessions we have, its being true to ourselves, our fellow beings and to our God.

This is my life theme song at the moment.

Teri Clark-

Here I am again, kicking dust in the canyon wind,
Waiting for that sun to go down.
Made up Mod Hollin drive hell bent on getting high,
High above the lights of town.

You and tequila make me crazy
You run like poison in my blood.
One more night might kill me baby.
One is one to many, and one more is never enough.

Thirty days and thirty nights
Ive been putting up a real good fight.
There were times I thought you’d win.
It isn’t easy to forget the bitter taste the morning left,
I swore I wouldn’t go back there again.

You and tequila make me crazy
You run like poison in my blood.
One more night might kill me baby.
One is one to many and one more is never enough.

When it comes to you, oh, the damage I could do.
It’s always your favorite sins that do you in.

You and tequila make me crazy
You run like poison in my blood.
One more night might kill me baby.
One is one to many and one more is never enough.

It’s never enough.

Acceptance? Humilty? Regret?

I have been idealistic my whole life thinking I could have anything if I but believed but on this day I am willing to settle for less and be happy and grateful for it. I would rather have the lowest degree of celestial glory then none at all. I am willing be just an angel to the lord and never make it to god hood with an eternal companion. I will accept the least rather than none at all. This is not despair or unhappiness this is acceptance or maybe this is humility, maybe its regret or maybe its reality. Whichever Im there and accepting of whatever may come.

Regret

I recently found myself at a point in my life were I was questioning the thing that had defined me for most of my adult life, my testimony. It’s said in the scriptures that denying your testimony is one of the greatest sins. Now I have committed sins on the list of greatest sins but when I was faced with the particular one I found something unanticipated.
It all started one day while I was talking with a friend and as women do we were discussing relationships in form of physical intimacy. She was telling me how as long as you’re a good person God will forgive the rest. There is nothing wrong with physical intimacy before marriage. Being as I have indulged in this sin I was surprised the fire her comment sparked inside me. Here I was I had spent the last few months questioning everything. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I go to church? Why do I never say no? Is it because it’s what I think i am supposed to do; or is it because I actually want to? When that spark ignited the passion within me came bursting out. I start talking in a very boisterous voice telling her how we could save ourselves so much heart ache if we waited until marriage. I used examples from her own life were she had been hurt in those situations. She mostly got mad at me for bringing up her bad choices. It didn’t matter though because in my unexpected outburst defending the values I once lived and cherished. I realized even though I had abandoned them I still knew they were true. Why I turned my back on them in the first place suddenly boggled me. I knew in that moment that I would return to them.
Brigham Young ones told the saints “Let the fire of the covenant which you made in the house of the lord, burn in your heart, like a flame unquenchable.” I think this flame was still burning inside of me and my friends words were the wood I needed to get my fire started again.
Now with all sin there came the regret. In my regret, I do wish I could take back the action of my sins but I would never take back the lessons it taught me. The reasoning for this is I have fallen on the way side before and recovered but I have met others who have fallen as well and have never fully recovered. I learned that this is because they loved the sin and didn’t hold on to the lesson. I love the sin, but I believe holding onto the lesson will help me see it in a new light. I am now aware once again of the price we pay for our sins and though fighting temptation is wearing it hold the greatest rewards. So as we are told endure to the end and remember, as the saying I once cringed at says, he never said it would be easy he only said it would be worth it.

I Am

Remember in grade school how they used to make you write an I am poem? I was thinking about that you see depending on when you write I will say uniquely different things. You see you change so much from you to years and day to day for that matter that your always evoluing therefore your “I am” is always changing. Here is my most recent “I am.”

I Am
I am a lost and silly dreamer.

I wonder if happily ever after really does exist?

I hear the wind through the tree rustling like the laughter a child.

I see the ocean rolling in like a blanket of snow.

I want to live a meaningful life.

I am a lost and silly dreamer.

I pretend I am put together.

I feel like a brick house rests on each of my shoulders. I touch the stars while sitting on the moon.

I worry I will never be enough.

I cry knowing I am my own worst enemy.

I am a lost and silly dreamer.

I understand life is about learning.

I say life isn’t about the breathe you take, but about the moments that take your breathe away.

I dream one day I will find happily ever after, where ever it may be.

I try to be me.

I hope for love.

I am a lost and silly dreamer.

The grand essentials of happieness

The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
Now the first time I heard this saying I said ok what do I do? Well I work do I like work well its ok but I don’t necessarily think its what I want to do with my life but it will do for now. Really what you do is who you are not just work but how you spend you free time as well weather its hobbies or religion or volunteer work it all define you.

Something to love, what do I love….I like to sing but I don’t love it anymore, I like to read but I don’t love it anymore, I like to dance but I don’t love it anymore, I loved the gospel and think a part of me still does but am unable to embrace it again.

Something to hope for, what do I hope for well I would like kids some day but not the way I used to there’s something about hoping your not pregnant that makes the huge desire disappear. I hope to get married someday but I'm not sure to what kind of man. If I don’t marry a Mormon boy I don’t think I want to marry at all.

It amazes me how much one choice can change so many things in your life. I don’t know what I truly want. I can honestly say when I was going to church I felt like I was doing the right thing and I was sure of it and still am sure I was but I was so unhappy. Granted people trusted me more I had a little less drama not much but a little. I had friends but its different now. I have lost few friends in the change but I have gained twice as many as I lost. I have a lot more fun. I guess my real struggle is not which path to choose but how to be my true self while choosing that path? Part of me is that passionate girl who loves her religion. The other part is a wild girl who loves to have fun and party. When I embrace my religion I feel guilty for that part of me that is wild and when I am wild I know I shouldn’t be running from that other part of myself the question is how do balance two extreme opposites and stay true to yourself?

Brides Maid

So my friend Lacey is getting married this friday and I am one of ten brides maids, Yes ten. I have spent alot of time contemplating love and marriage. I came across this quote that pretty much sums it up: "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person who wasnt supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You will have you heart broken more than once, and it's harder everytime. You'll break hearts, too, so remember what it felt like when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for the things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing to fast, and eventually, you'll lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt, because every sixty seconds you spend upset is one minute that you'll never get back." This is life and a life without love, is no life at all. So I have decided life is short and I need to make every minute, every second count. On a end note this is the speech I wrote for Alli Lacey sister and Maid of Honor to say at the reception.

All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone is searching for us." Today we celebrate Ben and Lacey having found this someone in eachother. I can remember when Lacey first told me she loved Ben and when I asked her why she said to me he is a good man who treats me right. It sound so simple but in truth its one hardest things to find. And in a marriage it most important to have because, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying, Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness. And you want that witness in your life to be a good person who treats you right and above all else, loves you for everything you are and everything your not. There are tons of people in this world, but in the end it all comes down to one. I know that Ben and Lacey have found that one in eachother, and in this I find hope that one day I can find same, and for that I thank you. To your life together, as one future, one hope, and one life.

Defeat

My whole life I have been told I'm a fighter a suvior, strong, resilient…but I don’t see it I just do the best I can. I have spent 98 percent of my life trying so hard to be enough for those around me to be smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, enough to be worthy of there time and there love. Truth is my greatest fear I used to think was to be alone but truth is my great fear is to never be enough. When we hold ourselves to such high standards we set ourselves up for failure and in my case I self sabotage. I ensure that if someone is getting to close or thinking to highly of me that I give them a reason to want to leave me. I become that which I know they won’t want, proving to them that I’m not good enough. This is all an inner demon I have had those who fight to stay and I’m obviously a worthy opponent ‘cause they always end up leaving. I wish they could just fight like hell for me and call me on it. I want to be better I want to conquer this demon but I don’t know how. Maybe my pushing and wanting them the fight for me is my test to see if I really am enough, enough to give anything for. Enough to be loved for who am inside not what I do or who I may become but for that part of you that never changes. That part of yourself your born with and is the same form the day your born until far into thee eternity’s. I have even gotten to the point where I have pushed god away by doing things I know would displease him. Things I swore I would never do or be. I guess I need to know god will love me no matter what I think a part of me thinks he will but I think sometime I wonder if I’m enough. This quotation below is my hope my story my beginning and hopefully my end.


It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again;
who knows great enthusiasms,the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best,
knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while
DARING GREATLY
so that his place shall never be
with those timid souls
who know neither victory or defeat.

-Theodore Roosevelt