Regret

I recently found myself at a point in my life were I was questioning the thing that had defined me for most of my adult life, my testimony. It’s said in the scriptures that denying your testimony is one of the greatest sins. Now I have committed sins on the list of greatest sins but when I was faced with the particular one I found something unanticipated.
It all started one day while I was talking with a friend and as women do we were discussing relationships in form of physical intimacy. She was telling me how as long as you’re a good person God will forgive the rest. There is nothing wrong with physical intimacy before marriage. Being as I have indulged in this sin I was surprised the fire her comment sparked inside me. Here I was I had spent the last few months questioning everything. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I go to church? Why do I never say no? Is it because it’s what I think i am supposed to do; or is it because I actually want to? When that spark ignited the passion within me came bursting out. I start talking in a very boisterous voice telling her how we could save ourselves so much heart ache if we waited until marriage. I used examples from her own life were she had been hurt in those situations. She mostly got mad at me for bringing up her bad choices. It didn’t matter though because in my unexpected outburst defending the values I once lived and cherished. I realized even though I had abandoned them I still knew they were true. Why I turned my back on them in the first place suddenly boggled me. I knew in that moment that I would return to them.
Brigham Young ones told the saints “Let the fire of the covenant which you made in the house of the lord, burn in your heart, like a flame unquenchable.” I think this flame was still burning inside of me and my friends words were the wood I needed to get my fire started again.
Now with all sin there came the regret. In my regret, I do wish I could take back the action of my sins but I would never take back the lessons it taught me. The reasoning for this is I have fallen on the way side before and recovered but I have met others who have fallen as well and have never fully recovered. I learned that this is because they loved the sin and didn’t hold on to the lesson. I love the sin, but I believe holding onto the lesson will help me see it in a new light. I am now aware once again of the price we pay for our sins and though fighting temptation is wearing it hold the greatest rewards. So as we are told endure to the end and remember, as the saying I once cringed at says, he never said it would be easy he only said it would be worth it.