Defeat

My whole life I have been told I'm a fighter a suvior, strong, resilient…but I don’t see it I just do the best I can. I have spent 98 percent of my life trying so hard to be enough for those around me to be smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, enough to be worthy of there time and there love. Truth is my greatest fear I used to think was to be alone but truth is my great fear is to never be enough. When we hold ourselves to such high standards we set ourselves up for failure and in my case I self sabotage. I ensure that if someone is getting to close or thinking to highly of me that I give them a reason to want to leave me. I become that which I know they won’t want, proving to them that I’m not good enough. This is all an inner demon I have had those who fight to stay and I’m obviously a worthy opponent ‘cause they always end up leaving. I wish they could just fight like hell for me and call me on it. I want to be better I want to conquer this demon but I don’t know how. Maybe my pushing and wanting them the fight for me is my test to see if I really am enough, enough to give anything for. Enough to be loved for who am inside not what I do or who I may become but for that part of you that never changes. That part of yourself your born with and is the same form the day your born until far into thee eternity’s. I have even gotten to the point where I have pushed god away by doing things I know would displease him. Things I swore I would never do or be. I guess I need to know god will love me no matter what I think a part of me thinks he will but I think sometime I wonder if I’m enough. This quotation below is my hope my story my beginning and hopefully my end.


It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again;
who knows great enthusiasms,the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best,
knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while
DARING GREATLY
so that his place shall never be
with those timid souls
who know neither victory or defeat.

-Theodore Roosevelt