Regret

I recently found myself at a point in my life were I was questioning the thing that had defined me for most of my adult life, my testimony. It’s said in the scriptures that denying your testimony is one of the greatest sins. Now I have committed sins on the list of greatest sins but when I was faced with the particular one I found something unanticipated.
It all started one day while I was talking with a friend and as women do we were discussing relationships in form of physical intimacy. She was telling me how as long as you’re a good person God will forgive the rest. There is nothing wrong with physical intimacy before marriage. Being as I have indulged in this sin I was surprised the fire her comment sparked inside me. Here I was I had spent the last few months questioning everything. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I go to church? Why do I never say no? Is it because it’s what I think i am supposed to do; or is it because I actually want to? When that spark ignited the passion within me came bursting out. I start talking in a very boisterous voice telling her how we could save ourselves so much heart ache if we waited until marriage. I used examples from her own life were she had been hurt in those situations. She mostly got mad at me for bringing up her bad choices. It didn’t matter though because in my unexpected outburst defending the values I once lived and cherished. I realized even though I had abandoned them I still knew they were true. Why I turned my back on them in the first place suddenly boggled me. I knew in that moment that I would return to them.
Brigham Young ones told the saints “Let the fire of the covenant which you made in the house of the lord, burn in your heart, like a flame unquenchable.” I think this flame was still burning inside of me and my friends words were the wood I needed to get my fire started again.
Now with all sin there came the regret. In my regret, I do wish I could take back the action of my sins but I would never take back the lessons it taught me. The reasoning for this is I have fallen on the way side before and recovered but I have met others who have fallen as well and have never fully recovered. I learned that this is because they loved the sin and didn’t hold on to the lesson. I love the sin, but I believe holding onto the lesson will help me see it in a new light. I am now aware once again of the price we pay for our sins and though fighting temptation is wearing it hold the greatest rewards. So as we are told endure to the end and remember, as the saying I once cringed at says, he never said it would be easy he only said it would be worth it.

I Am

Remember in grade school how they used to make you write an I am poem? I was thinking about that you see depending on when you write I will say uniquely different things. You see you change so much from you to years and day to day for that matter that your always evoluing therefore your “I am” is always changing. Here is my most recent “I am.”

I Am
I am a lost and silly dreamer.

I wonder if happily ever after really does exist?

I hear the wind through the tree rustling like the laughter a child.

I see the ocean rolling in like a blanket of snow.

I want to live a meaningful life.

I am a lost and silly dreamer.

I pretend I am put together.

I feel like a brick house rests on each of my shoulders. I touch the stars while sitting on the moon.

I worry I will never be enough.

I cry knowing I am my own worst enemy.

I am a lost and silly dreamer.

I understand life is about learning.

I say life isn’t about the breathe you take, but about the moments that take your breathe away.

I dream one day I will find happily ever after, where ever it may be.

I try to be me.

I hope for love.

I am a lost and silly dreamer.

The grand essentials of happieness

The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
Now the first time I heard this saying I said ok what do I do? Well I work do I like work well its ok but I don’t necessarily think its what I want to do with my life but it will do for now. Really what you do is who you are not just work but how you spend you free time as well weather its hobbies or religion or volunteer work it all define you.

Something to love, what do I love….I like to sing but I don’t love it anymore, I like to read but I don’t love it anymore, I like to dance but I don’t love it anymore, I loved the gospel and think a part of me still does but am unable to embrace it again.

Something to hope for, what do I hope for well I would like kids some day but not the way I used to there’s something about hoping your not pregnant that makes the huge desire disappear. I hope to get married someday but I'm not sure to what kind of man. If I don’t marry a Mormon boy I don’t think I want to marry at all.

It amazes me how much one choice can change so many things in your life. I don’t know what I truly want. I can honestly say when I was going to church I felt like I was doing the right thing and I was sure of it and still am sure I was but I was so unhappy. Granted people trusted me more I had a little less drama not much but a little. I had friends but its different now. I have lost few friends in the change but I have gained twice as many as I lost. I have a lot more fun. I guess my real struggle is not which path to choose but how to be my true self while choosing that path? Part of me is that passionate girl who loves her religion. The other part is a wild girl who loves to have fun and party. When I embrace my religion I feel guilty for that part of me that is wild and when I am wild I know I shouldn’t be running from that other part of myself the question is how do balance two extreme opposites and stay true to yourself?

Brides Maid

So my friend Lacey is getting married this friday and I am one of ten brides maids, Yes ten. I have spent alot of time contemplating love and marriage. I came across this quote that pretty much sums it up: "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person who wasnt supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You will have you heart broken more than once, and it's harder everytime. You'll break hearts, too, so remember what it felt like when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for the things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing to fast, and eventually, you'll lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt, because every sixty seconds you spend upset is one minute that you'll never get back." This is life and a life without love, is no life at all. So I have decided life is short and I need to make every minute, every second count. On a end note this is the speech I wrote for Alli Lacey sister and Maid of Honor to say at the reception.

All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone is searching for us." Today we celebrate Ben and Lacey having found this someone in eachother. I can remember when Lacey first told me she loved Ben and when I asked her why she said to me he is a good man who treats me right. It sound so simple but in truth its one hardest things to find. And in a marriage it most important to have because, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying, Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness. And you want that witness in your life to be a good person who treats you right and above all else, loves you for everything you are and everything your not. There are tons of people in this world, but in the end it all comes down to one. I know that Ben and Lacey have found that one in eachother, and in this I find hope that one day I can find same, and for that I thank you. To your life together, as one future, one hope, and one life.